December 2004

The holidays are coming. I have heard that I should not think about this, but my mind cannot help but fill with wonder and my heart full of sadness. As I have come to the realization that my daughter exists somewhere now on the other side
of this world, I understand this. This will be my baby's first Christmas. The circumstances of which she will spend what should be a joyous occasion are what haunt me in the middle of the night. My baby girl will spend her first Christmas
without celebration. Without acknowledgment of any kind. She will wake up her first Christmas morn not opening presents, but to wait her turn to be given the same old bottle by the same kind woman (her nanny) who only wishes her a better life. She will not be dressed in her best holiday dress, awaiting the camera flash full of smiles and laughter.

Instead she will lie in her crib, bundled so tight to keep the cold air from the orphanage from chilling her, staring blankly into the room. Wanting to be held, but knowing her cries will go unanswered until it is her "turn" with the caregiver. She
will spend her day without the company of loving family members and new toys, but with long sighs of desire and dreams for someone to be there with her.
Thinking about this can only make a waiting mom sad and wishing that by some miracle, her thoughts and prayers reach her little girl so very far away. It's so hard not to know where she is right now. To not be able to wrap my arms around
her and give her butterfly kisses on her warm, sweet cheeks.

This is the hard part about this wait. We are officially half way through this wait, but it seems so much longer than three months. All we can think about is that our baby girl is on the other side of this earth and we cannot be there with her. I
know the coming months will go fast. Actually, its hard to believe that it has been so many months since we decided to do this, but hearing about all the referrals that have come in, especially just before Christmas makes it even more difficult.
For the holidays, Rob and I decided that we were going to give each other baby stuff instead of our traditional present exchange. I have to admit this is so much fun. Its like buying the cute baby things that you wanted anyway, wrapping
them, then watching each other open them with delight and jubilation. It's so great. We received something this week that was absolutely fabulous! We got the stroller that we wanted. It was on our wish list and now it is in the nursery. It's
so wonderful. When I brought it in the door, the boys immediately wanted to put it together (it wasn't wrapped so its not like we didn't know what it was). I have not seen them so excited over something for the baby...especially Adam. HE
wanted to put it together and "No" was not an option. It made me smile, from the inside, watching him put the thing together (without reading the instructions no less) with such joy that could not be explained with words.

We placed a small ornament on the tree this year. A special one with a whole lot of sentiment for us. It is a small baby/ladybug. The head, arms and legs are a porcelain baby and the body is a jeweled ladybug. It represents our baby girl
out there. It is a reminder for us that our invisible red thread exists and that we are in some way connected to the precious angel half a world away.

All we ask for this Christmas is for Father Time to make this wait go quickly and to bring us together with our China Angel and for Santa Clause to bring us our baby for Christmas.