February 16, 2005

I want this wait to be over. This is much harder than I thought it would be. I have this ache in my tummy that won't go away. I can't sleep, because I am up all night thinking about my little girl. I feel like crying all the time. I weep like a baby when I watch those adoption videos online, but I can't help myself. I am an addict. I can't get enough. I suppose it is very similar to how I would feel being eight and a half months pregnant. Thats pretty much were we would be at had we done this the "traditional" way. It still doesn't feel good. For a short month, February is DRAGGING on so long. I know we are next. Its our turn. But we just can't get there. I swear that there has been a few extra hours added to each day. I am just positive of it. We are so close, this is just not fair.

Maybe I am spending too much time thinking about the adoption. I can't concentrate at work because I am constantly wondering if I have emails. Not that I am really expecting to get the call yet. I don't know what I am expecting. I'll tell you this, I don't know how anyone does this more than once! Not the money necessarily (don't get me wrong, the money is a BIG part), but its so hard to hold on to a dream for so long and keep believing it with all the passion in your heart.

The official whistle has blown. We are next! The groups of referrals have been coming in and it has come up to our group. The next batch will include the picture of OUR little girl. Its hard to really explain the feelings that I am having. Excitement does not even come close. I'm nervous. The dreaded "What ifs" are haunting me lately. The other evening, it hit me. I had a complete meltdown. I was standing in the nursery looking at the porcelain dolls. One of the dolls played music, so I wound it up and listened. All of the sudden the tears started falling and I could not stop them. What if my little girl doesn't like dolls? What if she didn't like me? I could not help feeling utterly overwhelmed with questions. How can this little girl so many thousand miles away be eating at my heart so much. A little girl I had never met, but knew so well from my dreams. I cried myself to sleep that night.Now it is panic mode. Realizing that we are so close to our referral, I realized we are no where near ready to go to China. My packing lists were not even done until a few days ago. Now we need to try and buy or prepare everything to put IN those suitcases! All of those "things" that we have been saying we need to get....WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!!!

So many things to do and so little time to get it done. Guess I better get off my bottom and get moving. We have not even bought the Diaper Genie yet! How can we have a baby in the house without the diaper genie?? Sigh. Such are the things keeping me awake at night. Perhaps I am just practicing for being up at night. Perhaps its just my body saying "Get use to not sleeping...there's going to be a baby in the next room soon!"

Hopefully the next entry I make in this journal will have the words "We have a daughter". Oh my. The "rumor" is that the next batch of referrals is due in the end of February or beginning of March. That seems like only a breath away!