October 2004

No news to report, nothing much has really changed in our waiting game. I've been sitting here thinking about how much my life is going to change once Rob and I receive that phone call saying we have a daughter. In many ways things will not change much. Sure, there is going to be more of those silly outlet covers and other baby proofing items throughout the house, but I at least have done the baby thing before. It won't be much different than it was with any of the boys. It will be different for me having my little girl. I cannot express in words how much this means. I thought this was a dead dream for me. I really didn't think I would ever get this dream answered.

For Rob, it is going to be another realm. The look on his face anytime we visit the baby store is something I have never seen before. He is excited, don't get me wrong, but I think he too is going through the same soul searching that I am, but on a very different level. This may be the only child he can actually call his own. Sure, the boys call him Dad, but I guarantee it's not the same. Not to him. I can see that in his face. He is terrified and anxious as well as excited out of his mind. I can't wait to see how he is when we get that referral or when our baby is placed in our arms. Here I really thought I knew everything there was to know about this man...but this is uncharted territory.

My Mom asked me the other day if the waiting was hard. Not really. I knew it was coming and I knew there was precious little I could do about it. It's like any pregnancy would have been without the morning sickness and the strange cravings. It's been over a month since our paperwork was logged into the Chinese government in Beijing, so we are into our wait enough for it to really start hitting home, but its okay. We have busied ourselves with setting up the nursery...let me tell you it looks fabulous! Not a day goes by that I don't think of something else to do. We completed our parenting workbook and have started some classes at our agency. The classes are a little bit cheesy, by we got to see referral pictures of other
parents that recently were matched and that is worth the house and a half drive in itself. It was so neat seeing what the infamous "referrals" look like. We also had the opportunity to talk to parents that are getting ready to leave for China and to parents who just returned home with their angels. It gives me goose bumps to think that will be us. It makes it feel real just seeing the sheer joy and elation on those parents faces. They are on such a natural high because of their new daughters. You can't help by smile too. It's amazing the power that they give off. You can almost soak it up. That will be us...soon. I think I understand now why the process is so long in the planning and the waiting. It's so the parents really truly appreciate the journey itself.

My oldest boy evoked some thought the other day. Amongst an argument (of course...he IS a teenager), he questioned why we were doing this "adoption thing". I had to think about it for a second. Why ARE we doing this? What is the root reason? I searched my heart and the answer was very clear. I told him this is something that I wanted. Something that I needed. This is something that I have dreamed about for as long as I can remember. There are so many people out there in the world that dream, with no hopes of them ever coming true. Not me. For me this is a missing puzzle piece that will help make me whole as a person and as a parent. I started to almost debate this topic in my head. Why shouldn't I have this? Other people get to do this...why not me" In a way, I am glad the wait is long and the journey is hard, because with each day that passes, I want this more and more with my entire heart and soul. I can close my eyes now and picture my little girl. I can see every
detail of her. I can even smell her, if that makes any sense. Every single day that goes by, that picture becomes clearer and closer. Pretty soon, I will able to enjoy my dream when I am awake. And I will be able to share that dream with everyone without having to describe it in such detail. I will get to live one of my dreams. How thankful I am for that. I hope that this teaches my boys how to make things happen for themselves. I hope it teaches them to appreciate all that they are and all they are capable of. I know this adoption so far has taught me more than I ever would have imagined. It has taught me to accept people for who they are and where they come from. It has taught me to appreciate other cultures and has opened my eyes to the world. It has taught me patience and definitely stress management! I think I am a better person and I am not done learning yet.

So here I sit, counting the days and daydreaming...waiting for my baby.